August 31, 2022

I believe learning to love yourself (& your body) will change your life 💛

So. In the past 5 years I’ve done a lot of jobs! Here’s the back story to what I’m doing now:

Pt. 1/3

It’s 2017 and I’ve just gotten married. Like a lot of my life it was done with lots of love, but not a lot of intention.

My husband and I are fine. Life is fine. I work a lot. I’m way past burn-out, completely out of touch with myself and my body, but I (barely) know it.

I dislike my body, I don’t understand it.

To his credit, he sees this. I interpret it as criticism. Some of it probably was.

But mostly I was so out of touch that I couldn’t get past my own insecurities.

I start and stop various workout programs.

I’ve learned my body is to be modified, then loved.

It’s still 2017, late August. Exactly 5 years ago.

I go to Giglio and my new husband says he no longer wants to be together.

In a devastating but quick 8 weeks we have broken up, he has moved out, and I’m on a plane to India.

The gut-wrenching pain in my head and heart is tangible, I can still access the feeling today.

But? I was completely 100% disconnected from my body. Without trying, I lost about 8-10 pounds.

“When you’re heartbroken, you can’t digest, literally” I’m told. It makes sense.

In India, I still dislike her, my beautiful body.

I get a massage from a woman who tells me that (at age 30) I have the body of a 40-45 year old woman. I remember her saying this, but I don’t remember how it made me feel.

I was too disembodied to process it.

In 2018, I do a yoga teacher training in Bali (please insert Eat, Pray, Love joke here— i *know*). I try to absorb the new information I’m receiving, but it’s so much to process.

I return to Rome. I pick up as a tour guide. I travel. I work. I return to routine. I practice yoga regularly. I grapple with myself and my real desires.

It’s 2019, and I go on my first yoga retreat, ever. In one class, there is a repeated phrase “embody your body”.

It’s nearly 2 years later. I start to get it. I live in here. This is me.

My feelings around my body start to soften. I plan a little less. I worry about carbs a little less too.

{to be continued}